40 days of Shambhavi Maha Mudra
When I had ventured out to attend the DoPT organised Isha course at Coimbatore with Niyati, I somehow knew that I needed it and felt a strong urge to value whatever it ends up teaching. I guess I did end up valuing it as I stand here completing the prescribed mandala of 40 days. This implies that I managed to do the twice-a-day cycles of Shambhavi Mahamudra, albeit with occasional (possibly minimal) breaks in discipline consistently for 40 days that follow the course. I enjoyed the sense of discipline that it gave me. A hidden sense of judgement seemed to come to the fore as the days passed. Yet, when I'm asked as to what has changed in me since, a sense of bafflement engulfs me. I can't really pin point as to what has changed or how much it has changed and how it has benefited me as a causal relationship result.
But in an attempt to honestly assess myself as I try to see within, I feel that maybe -
Maybe,
In my desperate attempts to "transform",
I had started seeing myself as two distinct forms,
One seeking perfection and discipline to the max,
While the other recklessly enjoys the errors and the mess,
One pushed itself to be more and more focussed,
While the other gleefully ran around like someone bogus…
Now,
Through the chaos, clearly do I see,
It's really immaterial that the perfect "me" wins every time,
I've got to start accepting all the decisions I make as mine.
Maybe,
In my anxious abstinence from egoistic boostings,
I started withdrawing myself from the worldly feasting,
Now,
Through the newfound sense of rootedness do I feel,
The need to open my arms and part my lips for a smile,
To engage everything with love that spreads for miles…
Maybe,
In my hungry readings I thought I sought some extra-worldly sense,
While in reality, I grappled to find the very purpose of my existence,
Now,
I still haven't got the answers I was searching for,
But often an inner joyous stability smiles back at me,
Promising a fun ride all the way to my destiny,
I'm content with the approach that I have now taken,
To first know how this mind-body matrix functions,
Organically graduating to answer the "bigger" questions.
Now,
At times while I sit surrounded by the clamour,
I see myself smiling with no purpose at all,
Maybe,
That precisely is the purpose, After all…
I've tried to articulate whatever little I could about these 40 days. Even after these scribbles, I still can't pin-point the exact benefits. I just know that something has begun to change inside me, maybe it’s our metaphoric caterpillar friend, beginning to see its potential to fly.
PS: All views expressed here are purely personal
