ओ मेरे फकीर

आया था तेरे दरबार मैं, दुनिया की चाहत ले कर,
भर दी झोली मेरी तूने, माया की शोहरत दे कर। 
आज, फिर एक अरसे बाद आया मैं, 
शोहरत भरी यह झोली ले कर।। 
 
समर्पित तेरे चरणों में, 
मेरे मुखौटों को तू स्वीकार कर।
कर दे आज विदा तू मुझे,
अपनी थोड़ी सी फकीरियत दे कर।।  

काँटों को फूल बना दे, 
तेरी स्वीकार्यता में थी ऐसी ताकत।
तेरे फटे तलवे से भी थी चमकती,
तेरे फकीरी की बादशाहत।। 

क्या वजीर, क्या राजा, और क्या कोई रक्षक,
आज न्यायाधीश भी तेरे चरणों में नगमस्तक।

दिलों में सबके दे प्रेम की दस्तक,

ऐसी मेरे फकीर की ताकत।।   

PS - Written after a recent rendezvous with Shirdi's Sai Baba. 

Writers' राम-बाण

 

तू कर लेगा - 

मत गिनवा गलतियाँ अपनी,

ना किसी काम के तेरे बहाने,

छोड़ यह सपने डरावने, 

क्योंकि तुझे भी ये पता है की, 

तू कर लेगा। 

कल फिर शुरू करेगा,

उठेगा, झाड़ेगा, हसेगा 

खुद कि सच्चाई को गले लगाएगा,

और फिर चल पड़ेगा। 

क्योंकि तुझे  ये पता है की, 

तू कर लेगा। 

भाईसाहब तू तो लिखेगा,

बारिश हो या नहीं, शब्दों की बाल्टी भरेगा, 

ठोकेगा पत्थरों के मूँह को,

जब तक चट्टान से पानी नहीं बहेगा। 

क्योंकि तुझे  ये पता है की, 

तू कर लेगा। 

Colon D

Sometimes in moments of strong emotion, one can do nothing but smile. At the situation. At everything outside. At everything within. A smile to himself. I call the smile, my Colon D face. An attempt to sketch it for myself - 

That colon D re-appears on this mask,

Pierces it to reflect the real truth - 

Of The calm surface beyond all the turmoil.

Sharp pains and deep excitements below,

Torrent of psychological, emotional waves - 

Engulfing all this and more, while hiding nothing -

This colon D says it all...

  

महाकाल

जब लिखने से भागता हूँ तो संगीत पनह देता है,

और जब संगीत में बेहता हूँ तो लिखा हुआ दिशा देता है । 

इन्हीं सुरीले शब्दों पर कुछ लिखने की कोशिश - 

सुरों से जुड़े हैं शब्दों के तार,

डूबें जितना खुद में, उतना ही आता उस पर प्यार,

है उस प्यार के ही ये पैगाम सब,

किताबों और कहानियों के बने किरदार हम। 

कोशिश है हमारी की ज़ाया ना जाए,

इस विचार का हर अंश काम आए,

बुनते रहते हैं इन विचारों के जाल को,

कमबख्त, किसको पड़ी दुनिया की,

जब खुद में महाकाल हो । । ।    

टूट जाऊं

मन करता है

कि अब बस टूट जाऊं;

बिखर के,

टुकड़ों में,

बह जाऊं मैं,

आसुओं में...

 

मन करता है की,

अब बस टूट ही जाऊं;

बे-कारण ही सही,

बिन बहाने,

जीत के इस माहौल में,

अब छोड़ दूँ साहस मैं...

क्या है ये अजीब सी चाहत?

समझने की गलती है शायद-

इच्छा है टूटने की नहीं,

है यह मिट जाने की ललक,

अरे, शब्दों से खेलना छोड़ दो साहब,

दिखा भी दो मुझे मेरे शिव की झलक !

तुम्हारी हार जीत के है न कोई मायिने,

न वोह मिले मुझे, बिना खुद को मिटाए ...

 

इमारतों के आँसू

ख्वाहिश है आँसुओं की,
यह चाहत रो पड़ने की,
सम्बन्ध नहीं इनका सुख या दुःख से,
माध्यम हैं खुद को मिटा देने के...
 
मेरा दिल है जो टूटने से डरता है,
अपने झूठे अस्तित्व को संजोने वाला,
एक अंश है मेरा,
जो बिखरने से झिझकता है...
 
आज मैंने जो अपने महादेव को है पुकारा,
विनाश हो गया जो अपना माना था मैंने सारा,
टूट गयीं अहम की बनावटी इमारतें,
उनके टुकड़े भी मेरे आँसुओं में बह गए...
 
शम्भो  !

PS: It's a blessing to be able to cry in the presence of one's Guru. It releases one's karmic baggage and is probably the most transformational experience a seeker can ask for. 

पुकार

अकेला खड़ा हूँ मैं,
अनंत की सीमाओं को ताकते...
इन्हें लांघने की चाहत है मेरी,
आपके बिना ना हो सके ये पूरी...

क्यूँ आपको छोड़ आया हूँ,

मैं खुद पर न जाने कितना खफा हूँ...

इस शैतान को मैं मार डालूँ,

पर इन नादान बहानों से फिर से चूक जाऊं...

 

आ जाओ न मेरे संग आप फिर,

आपको कभी मैं भूल न पाऊं...

पर जब हो क्षण निर्णय का,

तब क्यूँ आपकी सीख को भुला देता हूँ ...

 

यह पुकार है इन सूखे आसुओं की,

चीख है इस प्यासे जीवन की...

मत रहो इतना आप दूर मुझसे,

ठीक करो मुझे,

सिखा दो खुद तक पहुँचने के रास्ते...

 

दो सीख मुझे इन रास्तों पर चलने की...

थोड़ी हिम्मत,

और थोड़ा साहस भी...

PS - To all those who have guided me in this life and those before. Especially remembering Rishi Nityapragya ji 

वही तो है ...

गहरे से गहरे गम का दुःख,

लोटपोट के हसने का सुख,

वही तो है...

 

फट के बिखर जाने की चाहत,

खुद में सिकुड़ जाने की आदत,

वही तो है...

अकेले में रह न पाने की फिकर,

समुन्द्र के शून्य में, हर डगर,

वही तो है ...

वही तो है | 

 

नशे में फिर डूब जाने की ललक,

खोजे हर घडी, जो शिव की झलक,

वही तो है...

 

गुप अँधेरे में खोने का डर,

उसकी चमक में मेरे नाच की लहर,

वही तो है...

महफ़िल में गुनगुनाने का मज़ा,

सानिध्य में अकेलेपन की सज़ा,

वही तो है...

तो क्या सोचता है मेरे दोस्त,

जरा दिल से मुस्कुरा तो दे मेरे दोस्त,

क्यूंकि –

इस बहके से रूठे दिल की,

मुस्कान  के पीछे का जादूगर,

वही तो है...

PS- Penned on a Poornima night at Beachside. With Music and Loved ones around. Lost in the trance of a sensitive heart and a relaxed body.

The Click and the Flip

Tyres of Mind and Body,
Running fast,
On this runway of life…

 

Rotating Duality of Life,

Karma burning,

At Cosmic speeds…

 

A moment has come,

Click! This is the moment to Flip.

Let go of the run,

Let the Flying begin.

Gracefully pull up the karmic load,

Consistently dissolve the self...

अँधेरे की आवाज़

सुनानी किसको है साहब,

अपनी इस बेसुरी आवाज़ को,

बस मन है की,

इस दिल में छुपे अँधेरे को आवाज़ दूँ...

 

किसी मंजिल के लिए नहीं,

हर दिन चलने की चाहत से करते हैं ...

किसी मतलब के लिए नहीं,

संगीत तोह हम मोहब्बत के लिए करते हैं ...

Pit Stops - Engineering Chaos

I see myself as a complex system of fluidic realities. There exists a multitude of identities, yet a certain sense of system within the chaos persists. I see myself as a carriage moving ahead in the jungle of complex worldly realities. The two wheels of the carriage are my mind and body while my sense of Awareness (the big "I") is the third element which sits on the driver's seat.

The whole carriage moves in sync,  sportingly exchanging friendly gestures with each other.  It joyfully moves forward in the bubble of divine grace surrounding them. Tackling worldly challenges creatively while running at an extraordinary pace on the well laid out path of self development. These are the moments when we get lost in the bliss of performance - things going exactly, or even better than the way we had visualised it. These are not the best times to grow and upgrade the machinery - these are times to just enjoy the rapid movement of a beautiful machine.

But then comes times when the whole machinery is distraught with coordination issues - nobody is listening to anyone else. The body and mind taking competitive turns to define the path and the driver is lost. Lost, either in deep sleep or fighting a losing gun exchange with its own once-dear friends. These are the moments of potential growth. When there is chaos in the machine, it is the best time to open it up and lay bare all the various parts clearly and define the way it will function.

The ability to do that what is necessary is within me, undisturbed and potent. I just have to allow my awareness to take charge. The awareness that I am neither the body nor the mind is enough to allow things to fall back on course. It is also enough to allow the upgrade of the entire operating system of the carriage. So that it goes back on the track with renewed vigour and sense of purpose. These moments of chaos are as important as are the pitstops for Formula One machines. 

Meanwhile, one should never lose consciousness of the noisy whisper of Life that surrounds - Surf On!

Surfing with my Shiva

He is here -

Unbelievable, yet so clear…

Adorning this arm -

He is here on His board,

Surfing the living Seas -

While dancing in a flow,

 

Oh Shiva!

Am feeling blessed by Your loving touch,

You destroy me and make me Whole…

The Connect

 I never lose it…

    On days with machine like structure;

        Even those with unmanageable mayhem,

It's always there -

The connection- to the one above;

The connection - to the one within…

 

I live through it…

    In moments of effortless brilliance;

        Even those of suicidal heaviness,

It's always there -

The link - to my divine self;

The link - to the real me…

 

I shine through it...

    In moments of deepest slumbers;

        Even those of excruciating wakefulness,

It's always there –

That connection -  that link -

 

Through calm or chaos -

Of the body or the mind;

        I am still connected- I am still linked.

Through that which sustains it all -         my breath…

This Breath.

4 Years of Isha

I reached your gates with my sweetheart,

Unsure, hopeful and most of all, desperate.

Desperate to be guided, guided to what I already knew.

 

Notions and weights of the past were still fresh,

Experiences and their emotionally coloured memories.

Memory that sought to be untangled, untangled and understood.

 

Hugged the metal vessel with the snake on guard,

Held it with all the life within me and repeated my question.

Questioning why I am not able to find peace, peace in life or in the idea of death.

 

There were no immediate answers, no blue lights, no luminous opening chakras,

When I asked you something, you chose to close your eyes but to speak.

Spoke about everything in the world, the whole world except what I had asked.

 

Fifteen hundred days, I held on to you, with whatever timid strength I could muster,

Compromisingly at times, defiantly often.

Often making it about me, the very me that I wanted dead.

 

What a journey it was that you have crafted,

Could have been straighter of course but, has been perfectly curvy.

Curves that were needed, needed to untangle the karmic mess.

 

Snakes that were scary have become fellow companions,

Stares that invoked fear now remind to be awake.

Wakefulness driven by deep love, the joyful love for life. 

 

Was seeking ailments, afraid of volunteering,

Afraid of any new social situation, unknowingly moved by your grace.

Got situated at Dhyanalinga scrubbing, scrubbing through this moonless night.

 

Impossible to put fingers on the timeline,

Seems like a life long journey with moments, each profound.

Profound and pregnant, pregnant enough to contain a lifetime in itself.

 

Here today, in the chilled water, forehead plastered to my dear vessel,

All questions dissolved, absent is the desire to be guided.

Guide found within me, the me that envelopes everything.

 

UnFuckWithAble

You mistake it as children's stuff,

This tricky play of crests and troughs…

As the cold sea breeze hits the soaring waves,

One has to know when to ride and when to wait…

When the ocean is your guru, you might forget,

This game's point is not to get mighty wet…

You should soar above the waves so high,

Life's dreams and visions make you fly…

Lost in your Guru's loving grace,

Judging nothing, no person or place,

Skate smoothly over any karmic whirlpool,

You're better than any memory-hugging sinking fool…

Doesn’t matter who made the karmic puddle in jest,

On my dear ocean Guru's chest,

Smoothly do I stay aboard and continue to surf,

No matter who or what tries to rock my home turf…

The Arrow Pulled Back

Green is the color of my devil,

It's not that he is always evil,

It's not the wind's fault that the boat is shaking,

It's actually the misaligned sails' making…

The permission i have  given to the weakest thought,

The permission to be heard and acted upon without being fought,

This permission is shaking the ship's fulcrum,

Not allowing the conditions to be set at optimum,

Conditions that allow for the divine seed to grow,

Conditions that will make life effortlessly flow...

Can feel the resistance within me to play the angel,

My bad experience of ego's dangerous angles,

But Look around and feel the moment my friend,

It's only a mental role play to make life's choices bend,

Approach each moment, revering my mortality,

Invoke Shiva to destroy all that's mine, with brutality…

Surrender my friend, surrender, for it is the only way to go,

Intoxicating yourself will only make the inner confusion grow,

It messes up each time with the vaayu* and the jal* elements of the body,

Leaves me dehydrated and craving for making everything shoddy,

I really want to escape this messy chaos in my head,

The enormous weight makes me wish I was dead…

I was feeling like a child left alone by his Guru,

I realize it was a pot where victim consciousness brew,

For Nitin Bhaiya* had clearly warned me of these,

The conniving victim and the guilty thief,

Kaan Pakad lena* ! Did he say with a broad beautiful smile,

I still feel he's here, but it's been quite a while…

I am still that intense boy, with intentions pure,

Why allowing a thought to make my dream vision obscure,

My ajna* can filter the thought at least,

And deny it the opportunity to become a beast,

For me, the focus of my time on earth is clear,

I find happiness in moments when i have nothing to spare,

Nothing to spare, for everything i have is thrown in the fire of life,

Lovingly nourishing roots and shoots of lifeplants of me and my wife…

Green is the color of my devil,

It's not that he is always evil,

For now, off this bag of greens go,

I'll play with the thoughts like a pro,

Dopamine will be released through tick list and DC stars,

Ways that relax and please without leaving their scars,

For me each moment of Life is a perfect gift,

I've to smilingly surf over its troughs and cliffs…

PS-
*vaayu - air element in the Pancha Bhoota
*jal - the water element in the Pancha Bhoota
*Nitin Bhaiya - Rishi Nityapragya from Art Of Living who was the guide in the Divya Samaaj Nirman Course I did in 2010
*Kaan Pakad Lena - apologise to the master for getting trapped in the mental mess and making wrong identifications and move on
*Ajna - The Third Eye Chakra on the forehead that is also the seat of Prefrontal cortex of the brain, responsible for rational decision making

Nascent Metamorphosis

40 days of Shambhavi Maha Mudra 

When I had ventured out to attend the DoPT organised Isha course at Coimbatore with Niyati, I somehow knew that I needed it and felt a strong urge to value whatever it ends up teaching. I guess I did end up valuing it as I stand here completing the prescribed mandala of 40 days. This implies that I managed to do the twice-a-day cycles of Shambhavi Mahamudra, albeit with occasional (possibly minimal) breaks in discipline consistently for 40 days that follow the course. I enjoyed the sense of discipline that it gave me. A hidden sense of judgement seemed to come to the fore as the days passed. Yet, when I'm asked as to what has changed in me since, a sense of bafflement engulfs me. I can't really pin point as to what has changed or how much it has changed and how it has benefited me as a causal relationship result. 

But in an attempt to honestly assess myself as I try to see within, I feel that maybe -

Maybe,

In my desperate attempts to "transform", 

I had started seeing myself as two distinct forms,

One seeking perfection and discipline to the max,

While the other recklessly enjoys the errors and the mess,

One pushed itself to be more and more focussed,

While the other gleefully ran around like someone bogus…

Now,

Through the chaos, clearly do I see,

It's really immaterial that the perfect "me" wins every time,

I've got to start accepting all the decisions I make as mine.

Maybe,

In my anxious abstinence from egoistic boostings,

I started withdrawing myself from the worldly feasting,

Now,

Through the newfound sense of rootedness do I feel,

The need to open my arms and part my lips for a smile,

To engage everything with love that spreads for miles…

Maybe,

In my hungry readings I thought I sought some extra-worldly sense,

While in reality, I grappled to find the very purpose of my existence,

Now,

I still haven't got the answers I was searching for,

But often an inner joyous stability smiles back at me,

Promising a fun ride all the way to my destiny,

I'm content with the approach that I have now taken,

To first know how this mind-body matrix functions,

Organically graduating to answer the "bigger" questions.

Now,

At times while I sit surrounded by the clamour,

I see myself smiling with no purpose at all,

Maybe,

That precisely is the purpose, After all…

I've tried to articulate whatever little I could about these 40 days. Even after these scribbles, I still can't pin-point the exact benefits. I just know that something has begun to change inside me, maybe it’s our metaphoric caterpillar friend, beginning to see its potential to fly. 

PS: All views expressed here are purely personal

Being Spiritual: It's all about Balls!

Sometimes the most mundane moment leaves a learning that lasts...

I have had a very sedentary lifestyle since an year and am attempting to pull my socks up now;but the problem is that it's not as easy as it sounds. While jogging today I realized there's some semblance of a tiny voice inside my head that tries to control my actions (for example, reducing my pace of run by giving lame justifications that seek to garb my mental weakness). After a few hundred meters and conscious efforts to subdue this voice's indications, my understanding of what's happening in my head gradually increased and I realized it's not a singular voice but a set of thoughts that consistently knock each other out in my head. 

And then my hippy imagination (of late, subdued by the sarkari work) took its wings...

I could imagine my head as a closed room with hundreds of super-bouncy crazy balls banging each other inside it.These super energetic (and annoyingly bouncy) crazy balls contain thoughts that color them and the mind acts as a room made of projector-screen walls that contains hundreds of such balls striking against one another and against the screens in an environment filled with chaos. What seemed like a "tiny voice", now seemed like a dominant and attractive ball of thought ("मोह"?) that hits the screen the hardest and leaves an image. The mind's existence thus appeared to be an unending competition between the crazy balls of attractive thoughts to leave an imprint on our mental screens. ("मायाजाल"?).

After a further hundred meters of physical struggle I could imagine an alternate cognitive system wherein the mind is not a closed, restricted environment where things get stuffy, turbulent and dissipative ("तनाव"?) but an open environment where multiple thoughts exist independently with minimum possible entropy. Gradual dropping of the futile thirst for mental activity will allow a peaceful life, devoted to the present moment. Such an alternate environment will allow one to look at the finer, subtler elements of life and one's existence ("ध्यान"?).

The fatigue in the mental system is created by entropy and the energy loss through futile competitive efforts of various thoughts while they fend for domination in order to run the show (i.e. influence our decisions). The thoughts balls can easily be utilized in a less energy-consuming fashion using an idea of a person who acts as an owner of the tool that is the mind. This person will attach itself to the idea of a super-structure, the Self ("अहम"?). This Self will act as the person who controls and uses the mind as a tool to further his life's goals ("आत्म-विकास"?). He will use the mind as a machine, according it importance based on its functional utility but never identifying himself with the machine. 

The practice of Vipassana Meditation, as "re- discovered" by Gautam Buddha and guided by Shri Goenka focuses on this approach and leads to a natural reduction in entropy. It only suggests one to look at one's natural breath without influencing it purposefully. Just as it takes a while for a crazy ball to drop its momentum on its own, the mind's habit of thought-hunting doesn't cease immediately; Vipassana guides that whenever the mind is swayed towards a thought (i.e. one of those crazy balls dominate and leaves an impression on the screens), just calmly bring it back to the awareness of one's breath. With time and practise, the projector-screens lose their importance in decisions making (as the balls lose momentum without any external push) and the mental walls slowly dissolve, making the mind an open-system. Meanwhile, the practice of looking at the breath naturally leads to a stronger sense of self that was, until now, hidden behind the chaos. This sense of self allows one to calmly use the mental system and increase its efficiency by getting maximum work done using minimum energy. 

Thus, with a stronger sense of self and a calmer mind, the intuitive voices become clearer and one begins to better understand one's purpose.

In a "nut"-shell, the key to happiness and a carpe-diem lifestyle is how well you handle your crazy balls!