Metamorphosis

A picture I clicked in Andamans

Waiting through this dark blanket of night

To look at that circle climbing the horizon’s height

Hues and shades so bright,

Oh my darling flower of Nature’s might

I see it with my eyes,

I feel it with my spine upright,

Ah! Don’t I feel like holding it tight!

I peep through the branches,

I wait behind my lens,

As I gaze at the towering lord of light

See how I dance when it shines

And paints the world in its style.

Possessed by its magic, moved by its silence

I stand gripping my lens and pointing it around

I am high on it, higher than a flying kite.

A picture I clicked and Edited in Mumbai

Yet it goes!

Leaves me to spot its lost manifestations

Searching them in everything within my sight-

The subway yellows, the traffic reds

And even the dazzling whites!

What is this relation oh master?!

I sense the gravity on my weight

Yet I feel like a bird in flight

I have come to submit my fears

To deposit my sense of wrong and right

Yet I find myself sinking,

Glacially evolving into something quiet...

Everything seems smooth and easy;

A picture I clicked while "tripping" with Abhishek

All the problems despite...

What are you doing, oh Master?

Is it an accidental connection?

Or is it this child’s right?

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P.S.: Metamorphosis means "The marked and rapid transformation of a larva into an adult that occurs in some animals."

Often, while living my tight-rope walk called life, I have defined to myself all the incomprehensible yet crucial moments as a part of this metamorphosis. Metamorphosis of the Soul. 

The day that never comes ...

I stand drenched, shivering, holding myself together
At a place that no one back home knows of
Awaiting that day when my duty will bring me honor
The day that never comes...

The day when I show my real mettle
The day when I show my concealed strength
The strength that will bring the enemy down to his knees
I await the day when I transcend my fears & show my valor,
The day that never comes...

You tell me the enemy is dangerous
You tell me it's infallible,
I stand here to give my country a chance
To give you a chance,
However fragile, a chance nonetheless...

I will be there for my country on that day
The day when it'll need me the most
The day I am always prepared for
The day that never comes...

I stand here thoughtless as thoughts bring questions
Questions that are difficult, uncomfortable

What do I do it for - What makes this drudgery worth? 
What if the day comes and takes everything with it?

Came here to give my family a better chance at life,
I do what I have to, for that
While I, Await patiently,
The day that never comes...

When the day comes I will fight...
Not for those amorphous lofty ideals of the arm-chair critics
Not for that blinkered patriotism that makes the wisest blind...

BUT FOR MYSELF & THAT WHAT HAS COME TO DEFINE ME...

I'm just a simple man doing a job,
A professional, trained to fight and to stand tall
My job gives me my identity
IT IS THIS IDENTITY THAT I FIGHT FOR
IT'S ALL THERE IS THAT'S WORTH DYING FOR


As I stand here holding my thoughts and gripping my weapon,
I stand firm and am ready to strike hard
For I am what I am ... A SOLDIER OF THE SOARING SIXTEEN.

The Soaring Sixteen is an Indian Army Battalion that serves in a border management posture at the India -China LAC in one of the most hostile conditions. The poem attempts to capture the overall feeling of the army men as perceived by me in my attachment with this impressive unit.

Had you been here

This is the first poem I have ever penned down, even in private.

CASTE : A Formidable Exploitative Force in Tribal Regions

At the outset I must admit that I cannot claim to be an expert on a region's socio-economic dynamics through my few hours of its touring. Yet, the caste based divides and the exploitative character of this caste system in Shivpuri is so flagrant that any empathetic observer cannot help but notice it.

This district is infamous in the "global development circles" (meaning the UNICEF, UNDP and the other practitioners of top-down policy models) for its appalling malnutrition levels among children. Huge funds have been poured in from the very same agencies so as to uplift the "tribal masses". Yet the affect of such international intervention over the last decade is for all to see.

I would like to sum up a few observations that I came across in a few hours of my touring -

 

The region has been the "summer capital" of the Scindias who have used its jungles for hunting and building elaborate luxury castles. The same family holds all the representative seats in the parliament for this region; On the left side is a dalit landless agricultural worker who has never seen stable employment, and has never been "selected" for any MGNREGS based work (when it is their right to get 100 days of work per year) by the panchayat officials. I wonder how he can share the emphatic feeling of the seemingly omnipresent writing on the wall.  

 

 In the local political scene, the marginalised communities claim of political neglect by all the elected candidates of the last three decades. The First-Past-The-Post system has allowed some candidates to win even with less than 10% votes of the village. In such a case all the benefits are allegedly captured by those belonging to their political clan and the rest feel unrepresented.

 

In terms of administrative empowerment, the first major stumbling factor in policy administration process is that tribal communities are treated as passive beneficiaries, with no right to choose and no ability to decide. This kind of an approach favours development of nexuses that enrich a few while rendering all public intervention futile.

Almost all the tribals complained of the domination of the upper castes in the lower level bureaucracy. This "world class" medical facility opened at the heart of the remote tribal region of Charch using UNICEF funding seems to resonate the same trend. All the employees mentioned on the board are upper castes - the same as those of the anganwadi centres, panchayat secretaries and numerous other grass-root level public functionaries.

 

In terms of initial endowments, there seemed to be two groups within the SC population of the district - while some of the Jatavs (belonging to the SC community) were well-off (from rural Indian standards), most of the other Jatavs and other SC community were living in dilapidated conditions and held no land or stable employment.

 

 

For the adivasis (tribals), there was no land or labour opportunities to talk about. The businesses in the villages marked as "tribal" for the purpose of BRGF (Backward Region Grant Fund) always seemed to be owned by upper caste Hindus who employed the tribals as casual labourers. The tribal gentleman on the right laughed at the question when I asked him if he owned land or if any revenue land ("patta") was allocated to him. He explained how a tribal spends his entire life in a hand-to-mouth existence and the only jobs they aspire for are in the illegal mining quarries of the region.

I can't end the post without mentioning a grandeous statement made by the senior district official who was incharge of our visit.

 

"Arrey bhai (to his subordinate) inhein wahaan le jaana uss sansthan mein jahaan humne un adivasiyon ko nehla-dhula kar unka mundan karwaya tha. (to us) kuchch adivasiyon mein bimariyon ki badi samasya thi, maine dekha toh paaya ki inhe dawaiyon ki nahi hygiene ki jaroorat hai - unko badhiya nehle dhula kar shave banwa kar taiyar kiya aur ensure kiya ki voh nahaye - ab aap log jayenge toh dekhna - koi bimari nahi hai udhar ! (smiling to himself)"

[He asked his subordinate to take us to an organisation where he had made a set of tribals, complaining of health problems, to have a bath and shave daily - he claimed that itself cured the diseases in those tribals].

 

What struck me in this assertion was not the seemingly fuzzy connection between shaving one's stubble and falling ill (After all, hygiene is an important factor in health), but the way he said it. The air of superiority and wisdom he echoed could have been the same if he were to be talking of some non human species that are to be managed by him. Clearly, the idea of "participation of tribals in making of decisions that affect them", will be incomprehensibly bizarre for him in the near future.

 

 

 

What Shall Thou Seek? : A case of misplaced incentives in the Govt and beyond

Most "successful" people start their journey by chasing material gains and well-recognised targets like medals, public appreciation, competitive positions, etc. It takes some time, when they become mature (old? :)) enough to realise that they actually derive pleasure from the process and not the end result. eg. one swims because he likes to challenge himself in the pool and the medals won are of token importance, similarly intellectual curiosity is what propels him and not the greed for extrinsic recognition.

But, this transition from seeking outward incentives to finding joy in things one likes to do, is often an elaborate one - It takes years to mature. In between, there is a position (where I often find myself) when one starts doing something because he genuinely likes to do it, but when the possibility of gaining some extrinsically-awarded and socially-appreciated benefit lingers close - the mind goes back to the old habits of target-chasing.
It becomes a typical situation of a greedy man looking for everything he can grab - without knowing what he wants and what he would do even if he gets it all. (a common sight of dogs chasing a moving car and when they do outrun it, they don't know what they did it for)

It is in this context that we need to look at the incentive structure available in the Govt. of India. It is now urban legend that the usual incentives in Govt service - transfers, postings, and often (allegedly) awards in the Govt. are determined more on non-professional considerations than on merit. Sycophancy has its own sweet importance - and it pays! We have seen it not just in the field but sometimes even in the training regimen. (Although the field situation can be much more brutal, often not even offering a facade of distributional justice to help one heal his wounds). So what incentives are left for one to chase?

Clearly, chasing fame or money or even recognition can often lead to gross errors of judgement. Search for fame has made some officers "encounter specialists", "media savvy" and "news room commentators"; Those seeking recognition often confuse the latter with the appreciation of political and bureaucratic bosses and become just another cog in the wheel of exploitative state machinery; I guess I don't need to elaborate on the effects of chasing money while being in the public service.

So the only thing that is possibly left to chase is this cliched, catch-all phrase called "inner satisfaction". But as I had mentioned earlier, for less-than-mature people like me, this is often a difficult task, because the mind is still tuned to the old habits of seeking appreciation. After all, who would like to spend hours and days of effort into a risky, difficult and out-of-the-league endeavour when he knows that a much easier and cheesier presentation is likely to be more appreciated?

It's very intuitive for a lot of us to look at life as a process of walking the tight-rope-  there are two mutually competing contradictions and both of them are real. I guess "putting your best efforts in the service" would mean that you keep on propelling yourself (often by distorting the perceptions of the extrinsic incentives) and still don't become too concerned about whether you grab those incentives or not. (Another one of life's paradoxes).
That is the importance of cultivating hobbies - because pursuing hobbies often (though not always) keep a person tuned in to the fact that the process is more importance than the end, that perpetual chasing is not what life is meant to be. This attitude can enable one to allow the job to consume him- by exploring all the possible avenues for inward self-growth, yet not be too concerned about collecting praises. (In fact officers who fear losing their "popularity" (likability-quotient) can be more spineless than the outright pliable ones)

It's about eating your favourite ice-cream in your favourite store and not getting into the habit of collecting the bills for preserving the memory. And even if you do collect and store the bills (possibly in a photo album), then treat them only as the tokens and not the substance of the experiential pleasure you derived.

So in such a world of misplaced incentives, the choice is simply between the substance and the token; I know what to choose, but hope that my old habits of collecting the tokens dissolve over the course of time.

Life Falls & Falls

One of the most life-affirmative lessons that I have learnt so far is to look at life as a series of falls. A person falls only when life is running smooth - there is a comfort and subtle complacency in his energy levels. Because that is when a disturbing stimulus permeates the being and sweeps away the comfort of his existence. 

Let us take the analogy of horse-riding; My first fall from the horse-back was effected by Hans (a notorious horse), who was smart enough to understand when I had started trusting him a bit too much and used the apt moment to  push me off - leading me into a parabolic path that seemed to touch the stratosphere.

Now what came naturally to me then and seems to be of analytical interest now, is my reaction immediately after the fall.

When I realised that I was lying on the ground, I could see Hans dancing around, kicking randomly and running across the ground. So I just quietly got up, checked for broken bones/ribs, when I found none - I shouted to the Instructor to get me another horse. It was evident to him and to me that Hans had gone mad, so he got me another horse.In that window of 5minutes, before I got on another horse - I just knew one thing - That if I don't climb a horse immediately, the fear of  the fall might seep in - and then it would be impossible to ride a horse again. I rode again, and made sure that in every other class - I took Hans and tame him to the extent that he behaves like a mule when I am around. But the fall made me learn - that no matter how strong you are, never think that you are stronger than the animal beneath you - because the moment you think like that, complacency comes and another potentially back-breaking fall becomes inevitable.

Life is like a journey where one just moves one from one fall to another, just to enjoy the challenge of getting up. These are the people who live dangerously - some people call them fighters, some see them as incorrigible losers. But for those who keep challenging themselves, nothing is more consuming than testing one's own limits and using the moments of fall as growth stimuli.

Getting up from a fall is a major transition, this process allows one to grow as a person but there is a real risk that he might not - that he may choose comfort against freedom, fear against fearless devotion to life and arrogance against submission. It is here that wisdom is important.

LBSNAA – The colours of the Foundation Course

It’ s a beautiful place to reside in, the very ambiance of the academy with its hills and curves signifies  a sense of stability, that comes naturally to any place with a rocky terrain.

The interesting aspect of doing FC here is that the pace with which the course moves; There are 250+ people to meet and get to know about, trillions of gossips revolving around hundreds of tit-bit events that happen during the day, and to top it all, every week ends with some organised event that adds to the randomness and entropy (some call it excitement) of the course.

It is this brisk pace of the mind, deeply contextuated in the stillness of the spirit, that acts as the continuous underlying theme of the stay here. No matter how random my day goes – with seemingly irrelevant/ trivial classes, or incidents of incoherent (and often defying-ly irrational) behaviour of some batch mates, I can always find my inner peace just sitting out and staring at the majestic topography that this place offers.

Last few weeks that I have spent here have been an experiment in handling randomness – to do something, experience it and then return to the shell that is secured in the presence of few like-minded friends.

"Pratakal ka Atyachar"- Our Skit in the 1st cultural

A lot of my active participation in the FC has been questionable; The skit that I partly scripted and played a role in – was very well-received by the OTs and faculty alike, but only our team knows how many questions were put to us before we performed on stage. There were batchmates who had a blanket objection to their being imitated (Frankly, I thought it was their inflated egos who made them feel that they deserve imitation), while some took it in the right spirit. We were constantly wary of how the faculty will take their own imitations – being the first cultural night, we knew that we have to set the standards and we took the risk of doing things our way.

A Scene from the Bhojpuri Song in 2nd Culturals

A similar story is that of the Bhojpuri item song that we danced on in the second cultural – although the jury is still out on whether it was vulgar or not (or rather, whether the level of vulgarity was within acceptable limits or not :D). A lady faculty member complimented us on the “unapologetic manner” in which we did it while there were a number of differing viewpoints from some batchmates.

I guess the most difficult type of questions for me to answer would be those questioning the logic of my acts, and I won’t care about such questions unless my behavior gets really out-of-the line.

A major departure from the NPA attitude has been that of image consciousness – while in NPA my acts were directed so as to ensure that my low-profile image doesn’t get blurred, here I am just being myself irrespective of the consequences. This isn’t really the safest approach – I have already merited a personal meeting with the disciplinary in charge along with the image of being “culturally active” (some extended it to assume that i would be energetic about everything, irrespective of its stupidity). Given the latter image, my low participation in the childish fete organised yesterday, brought the ire of my batch mates who coordinated it.

One critically important learning from the stay in LBSNAA so far is that the lonely boring moments centred around somber futuristic existential questions can be humorously evaded by gossiping about the most nugatory things in academy life. This is the importance of friends whom you can talk to.