Blacks and Greens.

I don't remember clearly when it had begun or why did it start? There was no one single moment of strong urge or temptation that shook my foundations. There wasn't even a clear cut day that I can trace it all down to.  There were some tumultuous moments like when friends got rightfully angry. But then, a lot of water has flown through the Indravati since.  

There is actually no larger-than-life, profound reason for me to continue this compulsion. There is no profoundness rather anywhere in this entire scheme of things. I am often challenged by otherwise scary imaginary feelings of breathlessness. Ironically, I write this while sitting in an airborne plane - the origin of it all.   Showing the little significance that psychological imaginations of the past hold today.  

Something is happening though - I felt a greater depth in the sea this time around when I started swimming. It didn't feel like a plunge pool where my chaotic bodily movements are enough to shake up everything. It feels like an oceanic body of profound couldn't - care - less - ness that characterises the depth of experiential existence.

A part of me is asking for the chaos. It asks for confusion and clutter. Deriving sadistic pleasure out of the numerous psychological battles fought on my mental ground. There's only one casualty of these power struggles between my schizophrenic selves - My Self Confidence . I, very subtly, gradually and steadily start subscribing to submissive thoughts. The vibe of compromise and settling for the fat.

So what is it? An accidental nightmare that I am living out in my matrix, or a concerted effort to intentionally create chaos. Chaos that shakes my very psychological foundations. Pushes me to look for the real core value system that feeds and nourishes me. Because a lot of times, knowing is the goal.

Coming back to my point, whatever this is - it clearly demands (rather urgently and strongly) my conscious attempt to boost my self - confidence. It is like the metallic armour around the "right" mindset. Built through affirmations and visualisations - it gives me a sense of security.

Maybe it is not the matter of creating and lugging around battle ready armour coats. Maybe it is the time to look through the futility of all clothes that life has to offer. And understand them for just what they are. Just pieces of clothes...

Maybe it is time to tune into my basic ability of designing and sewing my clothes. The "right" ones, that address the need of the hour - the requirements of the people/situations and functions.

The ability to do absolutely whatever I want. Without weighing in the numerous, oft-contradictory thought patterns. The clutter of imagined importance.

This reminds me of my quests to look into the mirror, especially after the first few days of the black and the green. They were attempts to find the right cloth and design for the most appropriate wear in the need of the hour.

As someone smart would have definitely said at some point of time -

"Sometimes the real offering is hidden in plain sight. One just needs to inch closely at the foliage to understand the voice of the living forest. Hear the words it mutters in your ears. The woods are not just meant to confuse you - they are clearing the path for something more meaningful. They punctuate the path to the meadows. The path that is lit up by the bright sun of awareness. One should cherish these woods as divine offerings as they give him company."

As you said yourself - there is nothing profound - it is all shit. Some shit is more useful than the rest. Play along.