I don't remember clearly when it had begun or why did it start? There was no one
single moment of strong urge or temptation that shook my foundations. There
wasn't even a clear cut day that I can trace it all down to. There were some tumultuous moments like when
friends got rightfully angry. But then, a lot of water has flown through the
Indravati since.
There
is actually no larger-than-life, profound reason for me to continue this
compulsion. There is no profoundness rather anywhere in this entire scheme of
things. I am often challenged by otherwise scary imaginary feelings of
breathlessness. Ironically, I write this while sitting in an airborne plane -
the origin of it all. Showing the
little significance that psychological imaginations of the past hold
today.
Something
is happening though - I felt a greater depth in the sea this time around when I
started swimming. It didn't feel like a plunge pool where my chaotic bodily
movements are enough to shake up everything. It feels like an oceanic body of
profound couldn't - care - less - ness that characterises the depth of
experiential existence.
A
part of me is asking for the chaos. It asks for confusion and clutter. Deriving
sadistic pleasure out of the numerous psychological battles fought on my mental ground. There's only one casualty of these power struggles between my
schizophrenic selves - My Self Confidence . I, very subtly, gradually and
steadily start subscribing to submissive thoughts. The vibe of compromise and
settling for the fat.
So
what is it? An accidental nightmare that I am living out in my matrix, or a concerted effort to intentionally create
chaos. Chaos that shakes my very psychological foundations. Pushes me to look
for the real core value system that feeds and nourishes me. Because a lot of
times, knowing is the goal.
Coming
back to my point, whatever this is - it clearly demands (rather urgently and
strongly) my conscious attempt to boost my self - confidence. It is like the
metallic armour around the "right" mindset. Built through
affirmations and visualisations - it gives me a sense of security.
Maybe
it is not the matter of creating and lugging around battle ready armour coats.
Maybe it is the time to look through the futility of all clothes that life has
to offer. And understand them for just what they are. Just pieces of clothes...
Maybe
it is time to tune into my basic ability of designing and sewing my clothes.
The "right" ones, that address the need of the hour - the
requirements of the people/situations and functions.
The
ability to do absolutely whatever I want. Without weighing in the numerous,
oft-contradictory thought patterns. The clutter of imagined importance.
This
reminds me of my quests to look into the mirror, especially after the first few
days of the black and the green. They were attempts to find the right cloth and
design for the most appropriate wear in the need of the hour.
As
someone smart would have definitely said at some point of time -
"Sometimes
the real offering is hidden in plain sight. One just needs to inch closely at
the foliage to understand the voice of the living forest. Hear the words it
mutters in your ears. The woods are not just meant to confuse you - they are
clearing the path for something more meaningful. They punctuate the path to the
meadows. The path that is lit up by the bright sun of awareness. One should
cherish these woods as divine offerings as they give him company."
As
you said yourself - there is nothing profound - it is all shit. Some shit is
more useful than the rest. Play along.
